Being Scared.
I started writing this a year ago at the start of the Pandemic, when we didn’t know what we were dealing with or what was going to happen. We were stuck at home glued to the news attempting to rationally absorb everything they were sharing. In the past, I’ve used writing as an outlet for release… and this was no different. I wrote this early on then forgotten about it. I’m sharing it now, over a year later.
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I am scared.
I am scared for myself. I am scared for the health of my children. I am scared for my husband who has to continue to leave and head to work. I am scared for the germs he may bring home. I am scared for my mother who is by herself in Virginia, who as a young 75 is officially ‘elderly’ by the CDC’s definition — although I don’t think of her as this. I am scared we will be stuck in these four walls until this summer or even longer, the remainder of my kids’ second grade education now left in my hands. I am scared life as we know it we never be the same… from people to stores to restaurants to the community to the economy. This is what the officials are predicting. I hope they are wrong. And I just need to turn off the TV.
But I can’t. I can’t help but watch the news and get even more scared. I do realize that much of what we see in the media is sensationalized, and expert after expert just offering their opinion, when I really just want the facts. Facts such as how many people have tested positive? How many people in Illinois (where we live)? How many in Virginia? How many children have it? What are the symptoms in children? And why is it not affecting kids as much? Once we have it, do we always have it? Or is it like the flu or common cold and just needs to run its course over the following 5-7 days? What is the mortality rate (I figure this out myself .. deaths divided positive cases)? It was 1.8% yesterday and 1.9% today btw - does that mean it’s getting worse? Is there now even more to be scared about? I, along with the media, am making myself crazy.
I fear leaving my home because I just know we will come into contact with it somewhere outside of our walls. Maybe I caught it on Friday when I decided to each lunch at Chipotle and I just haven’t experienced any symptoms yet in the up to 14 day incubation period.
My family had plans. We were excited for what would come the next few months. But now I face each day with nervousness and anxiety. I can’t help but sit in front of the news and take in every bit of information they want to share.
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And here we are ….one year later. We know more now than we did then. This new life and way of living seems a bit more normalized. The term ‘socially-distance’ is now a common phrase. I think my family still feels at risk without our protections, my kids becoming quickly uneasy being anywhere without a mask, covering their face if they’ve gotten out of the car without it. It’s become the norm. Who would have imagined a world where we can’t touch, or get near another person, can’t shake hands when meeting someone new. Wiping down shopping cart handles. Carrying around hand-sanitizer in my purse, my car, by the front door … all seems normal now.
My family is becoming vaccinated. My mother and brother are fully vaccinated. My husband and I are both half-way there after receiving our first shot this month.
